Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tales of an Apathetic Hypochondriac

I’m a pretty healthy gal.  My lipids aren’t perfect and I could stand to shed some pounds, but other than that I’m pretty easy for doctors to deal with.  Or at least I was.  You see, I spend 8 hours a day sitting in a cubicle reading medical records.  At first this just made me kind of weird in social settings because I would randomly start spouting off weird medical facts.  But recently I’ve turned into a full on hypochondriac who diagnoses every cough, itch, and pain as something that is killing me.  HOWEVER, as this post's title suggests, I’m a pretty apathetic hypochondriac which means that I rarely if ever go to the doctor to follow up on all the ailments that I’m convinced afflict me.  Since this all started I have diagnosed myself with the following:
Brain Tumor
A few months ago I started getting really low grade frontal area headaches.  They are just enough to get annoying but not enough to take Tylenol (because then I’ll get hooked and get liver disease….DUH!).  But I’d never gotten this many headaches so frequently so, of course, I had a brain tumor.   You may say, “Stop it Trista, you don’t have a brain tumor, that’s absurd.”  But do you know how many of my claimant’s found out they had brain tumors after they had headaches?  Okay, neither do I, but it was at least 2.  And I have joined their ranks.  Nevermind the fact that I realized around the same time that I was clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth a lot.  Clearly those things are not related at all and I have a brain tumor. 
Connective Tissue Disease
A few weeks ago my legs hurt, my arms were sore, and I just didn’t feel right.  So clearly I was finally showing symptoms of that connective tissue disease that’s been dormant all my life.  I mean, what else could it be?  It wasn’t that I was coming down with the nasty cold that Paul was getting over.  And it clearly had nothing to do with my having just overdone it at the gym.  Nope, I had a chronic disease that can’t be cured.
The other day at about 11:30 I started to get a little shakey and weak.  So I decided it was time to go to the doctor pick up a prescription for insulin and a glucometer because obviously I’ve got the ‘betes.  It had nothing to do with the fact that I had replaced breakfast with coffee that morning, my stomach was grumbling, and it was time for lunch.  Nope, my pancreas had decided to stop cooperating with my body and I should just get used to the idea of shooting up insulin for the rest of my life.
Sometimes my knees hurt after I run and sometimes I can hear them when I walk up stairs.  Like any sane person I attribute this to the osteoarthritis that is going to not-so-slowly rid me of my mobility in a couple years.  It obviously has nothing to do with the fact that these things happen after high impact activities and that I probably need to replace my running shoes.  It also has nothing to do with the fact that I typically sit with one of my knees bent under the opposite leg.  Nope, I’m just a couple years away from the first of many bilateral knee replacements.  Also, don’t I sound convincing when I use words like bilateral?
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Really, who hasn't diagnosed themself with carpal tunnel syndrome at least once?  Oh, you haven't?  Well the point is, clearly I have it.
But it should be noted that I’m not just diagnosing myself.  Oh no, I’m also diagnosing those I love and no one is safe from my diagnoses.  Don’t complain of any pain or I’ll be asking what type of pain and what other symptoms you have.  Just ask Paul.  I recently decided that he has bronchitis and that my mom had a stricture in her esophagus.  But to be fair, it turns out she really did have a stricture.  So score one for me.  But not for her because, you know, I can’t imagine having you esophagus dilated is fun. 

**It should be noted that I in no way actually think that I have these things all the time.  I'm just momentarily convinced of one diagnosis every time I don't feel 100% amazing.  So Mama, calm down.  I'm okay.

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